empty.space

“Maybe the bitterness is okay to stay. Maybe it’s all we have left, aside from memories. Maybe being bitter is the only way I can move on... because without bitterness, we’d all just martyrs, silently haunted and secretly torn apart.”

I asked God to give me “time” to think about this.. He consistently gives me storms every now and then and eventually, I got tired of it.

Why the heck are you doing this to me?

I got used to her special treatment and presence. Everytime she’s not around I always get confused about life, about God’s existence, etc. I’m like a baby, always longing for her mom. Spoonfed. Pampered with so much love. Spoiled. She’s the greatest blessing next to my son... She’s the nicest person I met. I got confused to the point where I doubt God’s love for me.

I came to a point where it’s like the world is pushing me down to my knees... She kept on telling me to be strong and to be patient. I listened. I tried to listen even though I find it hard to do so. She was always available to talk to. She patiently hears my complaints. Sometimes, I know that she also gets tired of me but she chooses to stay and watch me grow.

I miss her.

While I was in grief and in terrible misery, she was there happy with her family. While I was in desperation, she was there in-love with her Mr. Moon. While I was experiencing financial problems, she was there enjoying her work, getting paid more than what she needs.

Now tell me, is God fair?
Does He want me to be like her?
I can never be like her. That’s the point.

Now, tell me, can you blame me if she’d been an OBJECT for comparison?
She may have problems but those problems can never be worse than mine. She may have imperfections, but those imperfections can never be uglier than mine. She may have past hurts but those hurts can never as painful like mine.

Now tell me, is God fair?

I don’t really know how I got to the point where I had to compare my life to hers. She’s my friend and I should be happy for her. She loves me and I am completely confident that she wouldn’t want to compete with me. Why should I hurt someone like her?

Envy. Desperation. Jealousy. Confusion. Comparison. Misery. Unhappiness. Discontentment.

A lot of things, right? Unlike her, I don’t have a Christian Family who can support me. Unlike her, I don’t have a family whom I can rely on. I only have my son-- a 4 year old kid who’s too innocent to see how the world can be good and cruel at the same time. It seems like, no matter what I do God himself is never satisfied.
Does He want me to be like her?

I’ll repeat... I can NEVER be like her.

It was a very hard decision to detach my life to hers but I believed that was the best thing to do. I can never be at peace as long as she’s a part of my life.

It’s like, I can never have the lead role in a movie as long as she exists. She always gets the big part. I’m always the miserable one. Everybody loves her. She’s the happy one and I’m the shy and aloof one. Every guy likes her. I’m very envious of that. I don’t want to continue comitting sin by always having bad thought about her. It’s toxic being envious with a friend. When I found out she already have a boyfriend I got scared. That’s the problem when a person treats you very special--- when you get used to it, you can’t get it out of your system anymore. I guess, she made a mistake when she chose to love me.

So before it’s too late, before I hurt her more I decided to END whatever we have. It was a foolish thing to do but that’s the only way I know...

It’s the only way I know.

I’m on vacation. I haven’t been attending worship services for 2 weeks now. I can’t face Him. I have a huge “TAMPO” on Him and I’m not used to go to Sunday services alone...

*tears*

I know I can do this. It’s just sooooo damn painful. I miss her . However, the advantage of not having her is that I can feel that I HAVE MY OWN LIFE... and I’m the main character. I’m trying to find my own identity in Christ. I still believe in God, that’s the good news. I want to believe that someday I will also find my happy ending... that I will also feel that I am a real princess. I want to learn to love myself because that’s probably the reason why I can’t love someone as nice and kind as Her. I want to learn to love myself because that may be the only way I can face life patiently.

She had a BIG part in my heart but now that she’s gone, there’s an empty space to fill.
I just want to let her know that I’m sorry and that the love will always be there. It’s just that I chose to empty that “space” for now probably because she had the bigger part than my love for myself.

So God, Help me Love myself.

"Letting go is just another way to say I'll always love you so ..."